tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1690356122521688837.post3706371331550615174..comments2023-10-03T11:18:53.646-04:00Comments on The Striped Nickel: And the Party's Back On...For NowDeborah Vlock http://www.blogger.com/profile/03868023646446279922noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1690356122521688837.post-91468302164774304832013-08-24T10:58:23.114-04:002013-08-24T10:58:23.114-04:00Don't beat yourself up for feeling a little re...Don't beat yourself up for feeling a little relief. Trust me, I know what it's like to feel like a horrible person because I wanted, no - I NEEDED relief. Desperately. I loved my Mother, I still do and always will. When the cancer that we had been fighting for 6 years went to her brain a second time and she became even more irrational and abusive toward me (this was just after the Lupus diagnosis, and I hadn't been able to walk without a walker or crutches for 3 years due to a knee replacement that had been.....an 'off' day for the first surgeon, necessitating 2 more total replacements; 15 procedures altogether that has left me in constant pain), I remember after one of the daily trips to radiation treatment standing in my hallway silently sobbing. I was waiting to clean up after she was finished in the bathroom, and thinking 'What kind of person am I that resents my own Mother? That will be relieved to not have to lift her in & out of the van, schlepping her wheelchair everywhere when I can barely walk myself?! I'm. So. Tired.' And I was tired. Tired of cleaning up her 'accidents', tired of being constantly berated, tired of being 1 of 4 children with nobody offering any help at all. When she died, I forgave myself. After a long time of beating myself up. What stands out very clearly though, still, was that day in my hallway - thankfully I had a friend over who just held me & let me cry it out. You are doing the most selfless thing you possibly can for your beloved boy, and you need to not be so hard on yourself. Easier said than done, I know all too well, but it really is okay to be relieved. Put extra energy into Saskia and Lars, and YOU. It's really okay. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com