My Healing Projects

Happy spring, Readers! And not a moment too soon. :)

I thought I would give you a family update and then hint at some plans I am gestating -- either brilliant or nutso plans, TBD -- to guide me toward greater wellness.

As advertised, here is the update: Life is better. I am not continually struggling against the death-grip of anxiety, trauma, exhaustion, illness, and fear. I say "not continually" because life throws crap at you now and then. Of course. But I (along with Ben, and Lars, and Saskia) have discovered some of those quiet interludes in which healing can begin.

We have figured out what we need to recover, and where we can get it.

For Ben, it is a school in the country. Horses. Sheep. Chickens. Sports of every stripe. Community. Friends. Space from the people who love him most, fought like hell for him, and found (somehow) the strength and wisdom to understand that sometimes love and fight are simply not enough.

You would not believe him if you saw him right now -- even if you only know him from this blog. I miss him like crazy, and I am so proud of him I cry when I tell people about him, or talk to his teacher or house parents. I cry when I see him laugh -- YES! He does that now! -- and when he opens his arms wide to me and says, "Mom, can I hug you? I love you so much."

(I am crying right this very minute, in spite of the fact that at my feet lies the pinnacle of fluffy cuteness, with an exposed belly and an inviting look on his face. The Fluff Therapist in IN.)

For Saskia it is a private arts school where she can devote herself to her singing as well as academics, where there are others as devoted to their arts as she is to hers. And (I hope) sufficient time spent on the butterscotch couch with her old lady, watching Bad TV.

For Lars, it is the becalming of his own, previously unacknowledged anxiety, and a desperately needed respite from the trauma and illness that was grinding the four of us into dust.

For me? Oh, where to begin... Well, I am learning to take care of myself. To pace myself every single day so that my chronic pain and fatigue do not lurch into overdrive. I am learning that it's OK to rest, to NOT be a doer every moment of the day. To not be the first person in the room with a book contract or a kick-ass blog, or a wide fan base. (Fan base???)

I am trying to kick the Mombot out of this house. Out of me. And believe it or not, I am seeing some success.

All that learning and Mombot ass-kicking I'm doing suggests something very, very important: that the chaos, the maelstrom, the shit-storm that had occupied my brain 24/7 for the past 12 years, has finally moved on. Not 100% -- I am WAY too anxious and restless for that. But one of the perks of not trying to figure out, EVERY WAKING MOMENT, how you will keep people alive and not let important things slip through the cracks and remember the names and dosages of a thousand-and-one psych meds, and find a way to do your paid work right so you won't lose the job you desperately want to leave but can't -- one of the perks of that is that you can focus on other stuff, like getting healthy.

So that's what I'm doing -- just like my darling boy does in his school and his home away from home.

And that leads me to my healing projects. I'm only offering a hint right now.

One of them looks like this:

And the other? Kind of like this:

Stay tuned for more on the healing projects...as they grow clearer to me I will share the details of them with you.

And now, Readers, I am so exhausted from writing this post I will have to take a little siesta on the butterscotch couch.

Good night. ;)

And the Party's Back On...For Now

Okay, for the umpteenth time I have written a post that turns out to be untrue.

It's not that I'm a liar. Or being "writerly" and making stuff up. It's just that my boy changes moods like a teenage girl changes clothes: frequently, and often for no discernible reason.

Hey -- is that why they call it a "mood disorder"?? Huh. Who knew? ;)

So I either need to wait a day before posting doom-and-gloom status updates, or I need to qualify them with "wait a day or two and things will be better."

The day after the episodes I described in my last post, Benjy was happy and even CHATTY on the phone. (All you readers who are parents of teenage boys will understand why I put "chatty" in caps.) And he continues to do well, as far as we can tell.

We miss him so much, even though our house is noticeably less stressful now that he is not in it. Doesn't that sound awful? Man, it sure feels awful when I say it. It makes me feel like a horrible mother -- callous and self-serving.

I am not either of those things, which is why the feelings bouncing around inside of me are so damned confusing.

How can you love a child as much as I do mine and feel better when your home is no longer his? This might make sense if he'd gone off to college at 18. But he's 13, a young 13. And one day we just let him go.

But that sounds all wrong. It IS wrong. We helped him go to a place where he has half a chance for happiness and success. And you know what? It seems to be working, apart from a relatively few moments of sadness on his part.

We had our eagerly anticipated bi-weekly visit with him on Saturday. Apart from a panic attack in the car halfway through (Ben, not me) it was wonderful. Just wonderful. He has grown in so many ways, I cannot believe it.

But Lars and I have to deal with his absence and it is harder even than we thought it would be. Last night we had a rare evening out, just the two of us. Oh, it was lovely. We felt young and happy. The last time we'd been at that restaurant Saskia was a very new baby and we thought I might get a job offer from Columbia University. (We were obviously mistaken.) We dreamed and planned and thought we might live in the Manhattan neighborhood my family settled in when they fled Germany in the 1930s. Washington Heights. We thought we might be able to afford it there, and besides, there is a wonderful, beautiful park overlooking the Hudson at the end of my Grandmother's street, Fort Washington Ave, and I always loved that place as I was growing up.

The dinner was great, but sadness crept in and we had to force it back out. We just plain miss our boy.

Funny how plans get derailed. The Scottish poet Robert Burns said it best:

The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley,
An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain,
For promis'd joy!

I love that to Burns, a little field mouse was worth a poem. (Then again, he also wrote a poem about a louse he observed on a lady's hat at church. So you know...) I think there's a lesson in there somewhere, something about the value of those small things we tend to think are unworthy of notice.

I think there is a lesson to me in that, for sure, as I try to figure out my life going forward.

Readers, I think I will be blogging more about me in the near- to mid-future. I won't forget Benjy, no fear, but my own path has taken yet another unexpected turn. It's called fibromyalgia. I've mentioned it more than once before, and I am trying to master it. If I can't do that, then I will have to learn to live with it on mutually congenial terms. I am trying to figure out a path to physical and emotional wellness.

Anyway, here is a little parting gift, a  memento from our visit with Ben on Saturday:

I only put this in because you can't see his face. I love the colors in this photo. It was really like that -- a clear, bright, vivid day. The red building is Benjy's house. I think what I captured here was a pause in his Frisbee toss with Lars. A few minutes later he walked back to his friends and we were on our way. If we have to leave him behind I am glad it's in such a beautiful place.

Ben, I know you won't read this but my heart is so full of love for you it seems to take up all the space in my chest. Be well, my darling boy. Be happy. You are so loved. xo Mom.

Count Down

In two short days I will see my boy. My young man. Less than 48 hours.

Oh, I can barely wait.

I will report back on the visit. We only get three hours total, which won't nearly be enough. But at least I'll get to feel his hugs and see his green eyes and listen to him tell us about his new life. I bet I will even  see some smiles.

I feel like I did when I was a little girl waiting for something special to happen, and the wait was unbearable.

Small Pleasures

It's been so long since I've blogged I've almost forgotten how to blog (not really). I don't know why I've been away. I guess I am feeling very FULL right now. Full of emotion, of stress, and of this shimmery, effusive love for the pieces of my life that fit. My kids. Lars. My parents, my brother and sister-in-law. My nieces and nephews. My writing. My friends.

I promised I would tell you about the results of the neuropsych. I will, but not now. Right now I am sitting with my boy on the no-longer-butterscotch-colored couch, watching Family Guy. (I know, Mother of the Year, right here. Thank god all the jokes go right over his adorable Aspergian head.) He is eating the Steakums sandwich I just made him. (Is that stuff even FOOD? It's his new thing.)

And I am just feeling happy to have him with me. Grateful for small pleasures. I don't take anything for granted anymore.

You know what else I am grateful for? You guys. The people who read this blog. Who sometimes reach out and let me know you're there. And who sometimes don't, but I can feel you there, anyway. You probably don't know what that means to me, that you have our backs. It is an indescribable feeling. It is wonderful.

Thank you. And now back to our incredibly vulgar television programming.

((hugs))

Hellacious Hounds and Other Furry Quadripeds

Our Hellacious Hound is a moody fellow. I suppose this can be attributed to his age: he's more or less a teenager in dog years. When he's in a positive space he's waggy and cuddly and generally sunny. But in a flash he can become growly and nip at your flanks. He is a wonderful watchdog but at the same time a barking nuisance -- and his bark is loud and shrill.

This is the HH we love:

This is the HH who disturbs the crap out of us:

(Dramatization)

When you have a kid with severe sensory issues, a kid who can't bear loud noises or disruptive, unpredictable behavior, a dog like Hellacious does not always work. And yet, we adopted him (adoption can be a bit like Russian Roulette), gave him a warm, safe home. We love him in spite of his character deficits -- just as we love each other in spite of OUR character deficits (and all four of us have some, believe you me). And you know what? He loves us back. We're his family. His home.

I can't bear the thought of betraying him by taking him back to the shelter. And yet. Benjy often talks about the dog he wishes he had. The dog who is all his, who is always gentle and quiet and sunny. Who never nips at his heels or growls. Whose only desire is a boy to love.

(Remember her?)

I wish I could get him that dog -- if she exists. But I don't think that dog and OUR dog would mix -- and as imperfect as our is, he's OURS. Benjy would be a pretty sad guy if Hellacious were suddenly gone.

So we'll make do with the sunny/barky/growly/waggy hound we have. We'll wield the corrective spray bottle. And sometimes, when we're not cuddling with our extremely fluffy guy, we'll all just have to plug our ears. 

Chocolate helps at times like that.