Early Morning Worries

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've blogged. I've been sick as a dawg these two weeks, with bad reactions to some new meds. I mean, some really crappy and icky stuff. I won't oppress you with the details. It all culminated with a five-hour sojourn in the ER yesterday. All they could do for me was repeat the tests my PCP had already done and inform me it's a bad reaction to my meds.

Well, fuck you too.

And now I'm actually feeling physically better but was lying awake since 2 a.m. worrying about money, so I came downstairs to make a list of ways I can spend less this week and forever.

First thing I noticed was that some person in my immediate or extended family had set the thermostat to HOLD at 73 degrees Fahrenheit. !!!!! So who knows how long we've been keeping the downstairs toasty all night. I bet the paper whites have been loving it. On the other hand they've totally wilted over onto the lamp beside them, so maybe not.

The fish would have loved it but they all died.

So anyway, I made a few lists. The first one had money saving tips on it like:

• Postpone Saskia's oral surgery (before you call DSS on me, this is not URGENT oral surgery. Yet. And Grandpa, who is a dentist, has a colleague who will do it for free if we go to NY. Good enough for me).
• Apply for grant to pay for the 1K self-pay part of Benjy's upcoming neuropsychological evaluation. These are done every four years or so on kids like Ben and at the price of five thousand or your first born. If you are lucky enough to be insured, as we are, you get away with paying only a thousand out of pocket.
• Eat only food we have in the house this week, even if gross. (Lars can eat the gross stuff, he doesn't care.) Stuff with freezer burn can surely be resuscitated. Google on how to do this.
• When (edible) food we have in house runs out, purchase pasta, mac and cheese, and other toxic but cheap food items at Aldi or Market Basket, our two local cheapie stores (by "local" I mean 15 miles away. Nearby us you get to choose between pricey, pricier, and upper-crusty. I'm talking about you, Whole Foods).
• Tell Bestie that I was in the throes of MADNESS when I agreed to put down a $300 deposit on a vacation house in VT to share with her and her son this for a week this summer. Make her inform the rental agent who is holding that week for us that we have changed our minds (because I am too embarrassed to do it).
• Hold off on non-essential bills.
• Keep heat at 67 during day. Wear sweaters. Scold whoever did that "hold" thing on the thermostat. (Who knew you could even do that?)
• GET A JOB.******

***** Here is why I can't. Benjy is going down again. Eight weeks in the hospital this fall and winter, countless med changes, and he is slipping into deep depression again. Restless and seeking. Bankrupting us with his need for more and more video games. I say no, hold firm as long as I can. But when I am sick and exhausted as I was last night, and he is depressed and anxious and lonely and pacing around the house and lying pale and despondent in his darkened room there is nothing else I can do. If only I weren't sick, didn't have to attend, sometimes, to things other than Benjy (the tutoring, for example, that brings a little extra money into our house, my other child, who needs me too, even if she does not like to admit it) I could simply devote myself to keeping him busy and happy, keeping the emptiness at bay. But how the hell do you manage THAT with no spare money? There must be a way. I know some moms have figured it out. But my kid does not like the outdoors (except fishing, but in spite of what he told me yesterday evening when he begged me to take him, you cannot easily do that when it's ten degrees out). He does not want to read or watch DVDs. Tennis he likes but again, not so much when it's 10 degrees out.

So how can I POSSIBLY work when every year his seriously dysregulated periods grow longer and closer-set?

All I can do is hope for a tax refund this year, that my O essay comes out soon (payment upon publication), and that I sell a couple more, pronto. And just keep swimming.

Disability and Work, Revisited

It's a long time since I wrote a post on Disability and Work. At the time, our family, our son, was struggling with severe mental illness. He wanted to die. He hurt himself sometimes. He could not be left alone, or even out of my sight. Work had become untenable; I was canceling classes and office hours right and left. I was distracted as hell. My child wanted to die, and I just didn't care about a bunch of Freshman English essays.

So I left work and we went from pinched to officially broke. Planning every expenditure down to the penny. Saying no to the kids. A LOT. Buying only used clothes and very little else, besides food. And buying that at places like Aldi. That part of it has not been fun.

But it's been great only having one full-time job. Because before I was doing at least two. Maybe two and a half.

And now, things are changing again. Because Benjy is so much better. Unbelievably so. (Well, he did have a breakdown last week as a result of an unpleasant encounter with another kid at the Joy School. But that was the first in months. And he recovered pretty quickly.) And we are afraid if I continue working just one full-time job, an unpaid one, we will never be able to retire. We are beginning to imagine Lars hobbling to work with a walker. And it's kind of funny but mostly sad.

So as of tomorrow I am throwing my hat back in the ring. I'm applying for college administrator positions (I think I'm finished with teaching).

We've had to really think this through. Because if I go to work it will mean that Benjy has to take the SPED van to and from school, instead of driving with me, and he'll need to let himself in the house after school and hang out until Saskia gets home. This scares me a little. But on the other hand he's twelve now, and in sixth grade. If not now, when?

Of course, I'm counting my chickens. I don't have a job yet, and it may take a very long time to find one. But I'm looking forward to having a couple hundred dollars to put in our empty savings account each month. And being able to replace our roof when it decides to implode on us (this will probably happen soon). And being able to pay off the thousand dollar car repair expense we just incurred.

I don't know what the future holds, and whether, if I get a job, I"ll be able to keep it. We take things one day at a time here in the Delaunay household. But I'm starting to develop a slightly longer perspective. Like maybe looking out a month at a time.

I'm doing that right now, and the month of May looks like it's going to be fair and warm.

Making Ends Meet

A work opportunity for the fall has just presented itself to me -- nothing big, but bigger that the $0 I am currently bringing in -- and for a very few minutes I considered it.

Then I thought: what happens if the fall brings another crisis?

The shorter days tend to cause Benjy heightened depression and anxiety. He misses school, or goes in late, because I can't get him to raise his head and face the world. He wants to hurt himself, or to end his life. At least, he has in each of the past several autumns. It's not limited to the shorter days -- last spring he was a wreck too -- but it begins with them.

So a job starting in September would be a disaster waiting to happen.

Am I resentful? No, not really. More like resigned. These are the cards I drew. My sister, who died at 36, drew worse ones. And as I've said before, I like not working. Until I get bored, or tired of being poor -- poorer, that is -- I'll just carry on taking care of family and household, putting out fires, and writing when I can.

So, how do we manage on what is, for the town where we live, a SMALL yearly income? I've been thinking about that recently. We've tightened our belts for sure, but in some areas we are actually spending more.

Belt tightening:

Food -- we NEVER get take-out or go out to eat anymore. I look for what's on sale. I only buy store brands (when possible). Sometimes, it's frozen rather than fresh. (Veggies and even meat. You can get frozen salmon fillets for about $1.99 a pound -- and they're frozen fresh, so they're fine. Frozen chicken breasts have been more hit or miss -- but also cheap.) Beans, people. I have a GREAT vegetarian chili recipe! Pasta is out right now because I am going the low carb route -- but in general it's a cheap way to eat if you can find ways to keep it interesting.

Entertainment -- What??

Clothes -- Savers, baby! On a generous day, Target.

Household items -- Craigslist is my first stop. Also good: Needham "transfer station" (Read: dump). They have a take-it-or-leave-it area. You can get some good stuff there. We have friends who have furnished their entire house from the dump. No kidding. There's a Family Dollar store near Benjy's fencing club, and I am going to check it out on Saturday. And good old TJ Maxx has good prices on housewares ($6.99 tablecloth, anyone?) and things like coffee (fancy brands you never heard of for 4 bucks) -- not to mention the coolest, poshest soaps and toiletries for a steal.

Areas where we are spending more (or the same as when I was working):

House cleaning -- Well, we still have someone cleaning our house twice a month. Terrible, I know -- and we may have to cease and desist. That'll be a last resort, though, as I DESPISE cleaning my house.

Cell phones -- We said ta-ta to our old dumb phones and got a couple of iPhones (last year's 3Gs, for $0.99 each at AT&T -- but the data plan costs more by about $40 per month).

Cable -- We were possibly the last folks in America to cast off our old TV and buy an HDTV (although it WAS refurbished. Still pricey). Now, cable costs us more.

Tutoring -- Saskia just started with a math tutor. That's costing us $200 per month. Ouch!

Fencing -- Benjy has FINALLY found a sport he likes and can be successful at. And is getting regular exercise beyond pushing a mouse around. How can I say no. Damage: $125 per month.

Most months we only break even, but we sure do feel virtuous. We're aware of where our money is going for the first time ever. We even keep a monthly expense spreadsheet. And have made -- and adhere to -- a budget.

(Wait -- have our bodies been colonized by aliens?? Responsible, financially savvy aliens??).

And so far we've not bounced any checks! The jury is out on whether we really will make it, but at this moment, my money's on us.