Monday, December 3, 2012

A Rare and Ongoing Case of Speechlessness

Anyone who knows me knows I can talk. Oh, boy. When I have something to say, you're going to get an earful. Which is why I've been frustrated by my inability to post anything here for quite some time.

The problem is not that there's nothing to say. The problem is that I have all these words and emotions and fears and details swirling around my head and I can't tame them enough to set them down in print. I've sat down to blog a few times and given up because I haven't known how to start.

I think, finally, I've figured it out. The solution is:

Bullet points.
Because any other way is going to hurt too damned much.
So, here goes (deep breath):
  • Benjy's back in the hospital.
  • It's two months after the last three-week stay
  • I was scared for his safety and mine
  • His grief was as vast and full as the ocean
  • So was his rage
  • He wanted a bird
  • He has been obsessed with birds for a year
  • He thinks a bird will make him happy and whole. I disagree.
  • He hates me
  • He loves me with a wild intensity
  • He cannot function in this world right now
  • I miss him more than I can speak or write
  • He swings from despondent to joyous to flat in a day's time
  • He may leave the hospital with yet another diagnosis (he has already, what, four? Five?)
And here, under a different heading, is something more:

  • We live 1/4 mile from a TV tower and within 4 miles of many more
  • A friend told me to do some reading
  • We moved here in 2008
  • Benjy has been hospitalized four times since 2009
  • A perfectly healthy Saskia became quite sick in 2010, with some symptoms still unexplained and several diagnoses
  • Some studies report that proximity to radio frequency waves can cause mental health disturbances as well as headaches, fatigue and malaise, immune system issues, and sleep disturbances
  • We have all of these on the junior varsity team
  • You could find other reasons for all of these illnesses (including "illnesses happen," and in Benjy's case, some of that stuff existed before we lived here, albeit in less intense forms)
  • Ben's first psychiatric hospitalization was in 2009
  • Saskia became sick in 2010
  • In June of 2009, television signals in American were converted from analog to digital
All of this scares the bejesus out of me. I want to slide under my down comforter and take a looong (three month?) nap, but I have to get to work figuring stuff out. If anyone has any thoughts or information I would love to hear about it, either in the comments or via email.

And now I'm off to the hospital. I'll try to bring happier news very soon, Dear Readers.



  1. I'm so sorry for what you guys are going through. Thinking good thoughts for you all.

    1. That is much appreciated, Atty! Thank you.

  2. Thinking of you -- you found just the right words and form. I have no answers on the reasons or connections, but I am motivated to do my own research too.

    1. Thanks so much, Dear E. Re: the big question, we are reading and talking to people. What we have so far seems pretty damning. Am going to have the RFs measured in the house so we at least have some hard data... <3

  3. The emf stuff is real and troubling. I stayed in a friend's apartment in Los Angeles a few nights during the summer and neither I nor my 2-year-old son could sleep for hours, and I could feel the emf humming through my body without end. It felt like everyone there lived in a low-wattage microwave oven and we were slowly being cooked. When I looked at my modem there were dozens of wireless connections in that building. We get used to it, sadly enough, but it doesn't stop affecting us.

    I think it's like trying to bail water out of a leaking boat, but maybe you could try some things to offset it--more house plants (especially cacti), beeswax candles, Himalayan salt crystal lamps or just an open jar of salts near the computer, daily showers/baths with baking soda, epsom salt, and/or sea salt, doing the sauna. I think there are many cheap and natural ways to detox the home and body and these methods fully complement anything else you do to address the problem.

    1. Thanks for the tips, Colleen. It is troubling. I will try some of the stuff you suggest. :)