The problem is not that there's nothing to say. The problem is that I have all these words and emotions and fears and details swirling around my head and I can't tame them enough to set them down in print. I've sat down to blog a few times and given up because I haven't known how to start.
I think, finally, I've figured it out. The solution is:
Because any other way is going to hurt too damned much.
So, here goes (deep breath):
- Benjy's back in the hospital.
- It's two months after the last three-week stay
- I was scared for his safety and mine
- His grief was as vast and full as the ocean
- So was his rage
- He wanted a bird
- He has been obsessed with birds for a year
- He thinks a bird will make him happy and whole. I disagree.
- He hates me
- He loves me with a wild intensity
- He cannot function in this world right now
- I miss him more than I can speak or write
- He swings from despondent to joyous to flat in a day's time
- He may leave the hospital with yet another diagnosis (he has already, what, four? Five?)
- We live 1/4 mile from a TV tower and within 4 miles of many more
- A friend told me to do some reading
- We moved here in 2008
- Benjy has been hospitalized four times since 2009
- A perfectly healthy Saskia became quite sick in 2010, with some symptoms still unexplained and several diagnoses
- Some studies report that proximity to radio frequency waves can cause mental health disturbances as well as headaches, fatigue and malaise, immune system issues, and sleep disturbances
- We have all of these on the junior varsity team
- You could find other reasons for all of these illnesses (including "illnesses happen," and in Benjy's case, some of that stuff existed before we lived here, albeit in less intense forms)
- Ben's first psychiatric hospitalization was in 2009
- Saskia became sick in 2010
- In June of 2009, television signals in American were converted from analog to digital
And now I'm off to the hospital. I'll try to bring happier news very soon, Dear Readers.