5 Happy Words

That's what I have for you tonight: five crazy-happy, beautiful, heartbreakingly lovely words.

BENJY IS COMING HOME TOMORROW!!!

This hospitalization has lasted about six weeks. The longest ever. I've missed him at night. Hearing his congested breathing/snoring as I pass his room on my way to bed, or to the bathroom for my 3 a.m. pee. I've missed his random acts of hugginess. I've even missed his shoes and socks strewn all the hell over my house.

I MISS BENJY.

I will not miss driving to the hospital bright and early to fetch him for his school pass, then to school, then to the hospital for meetings, then home for his home pass, and back to the hospital for bed.

That dreadful triangulation.

He is coming home because his doctor has figured out the best cocktail of meds for him at this moment. that could change. It WILL change. I've been around the block enough to know that.

Not every day will be a success. He will not always be happy. Depression will rear its hateful head on occasion. So will anxiety. I hope the mania is gone for good -- or at least for a good, long time. The bizarre, Dali-esque images still persist. I imagine he still sees me in his mind's eye a broken and bent woman. He sees you that way, too. The people he conjures in his mind are all crooked -- physically, if not morally. Cars are bent, trees curved. that's just the way it's going to be, I guess. It makes me want to cry when I think too deeply about it, so I will just try to let it go.

It is the nature of blessings in our family's lives to be small ones. We celebrate them nonetheless. Two steps toward mental health, even if followed by a step back, are a triumph.

Benjy's homecoming is the biggest blessing of all.