Anxiety has crept back into our lives. We see it in a tense posture, a strained, absent face. It manifests in hand-wringing. In restlessness. Lip-biting and finger-picking. And in pleas to stay home from school.
The Joy School is still a joyful place. It's the only place I can see Ben being successful right now -- and it's the only school he can imagine himself in. That hasn't changed. But whether it's a chemical process or a circumstantial one, anxiety is slowly encroaching on us. I hope that depression and suicidal impulses are not trailing close behind.
It has been such a relief, these past couple of months, not to hear words like, "My life is worth nothing." Or, "Please help me kill myself." Or, "Life is too hard. I don't want to be here." I cannot begin to explain what it feels like to hear your child utter those words. If you are a parent you can probably imagine.
In a way I had forgotten what that feels like. How quickly humans are programmed to forget pain! If we weren't no one would have more than one child. Our bodies -- or our brains -- are kind that way. They allow us rest and reprieve.
Well. What can we do but continue moving forward and hope it will be okay? We are not in crisis yet. Not even close. Overall things are still good. And Benjy is only somewhat dysregulated.
This morning I took care of Saskia and Ben and saw them on their way. And now I am going to take care of myself, starting with a cup of coffee with CREAM. I'm going to live it up, baby!